About three and a half years ago I found myself sitting on a couch that didn’t belong to me, alone in an apartment I had been sharing with my fiancé, who had broken up with me moments before. Guess that would make him my ex-fiancé, at the time.
I was in shock and completely devastated. What happened? We had just thrown an engagement party weeks before (where our parents met for the first time in our 2 1/2 year relationship), bought invitations, put money down on a florist, a venue, a caterer…and let’s not forget that Vera Wang wedding gown my parents purchased for me after a special weekend in Seattle to search for the perfect dress.
Everything came to a screeching halt. He said he wasn’t in love with me anymore. Talk about a punch in the gut.
My dad had left to go on a cycling trip and was out in the middle of nowhere with bad cell reception, and my mom was just starting her adventure in Spain, walking the Camino de Santiago. Who was I supposed to call? Who could I run to?
Everything came to a screeching halt. He said he wasn’t in love with me anymore.
I was able to get hold of a close friend in town, thank god. I thought to myself, as I was uncontrollably sobbing, “I’m going to feel sorry for myself for a little while, but I have to start moving on and taking care of myself immediately. I am not going to look back and search for answers I will never get. This is going to hurt. A lot. But I’m moving forward.” I looked for a flight to San Jose, CA, where I had family and close friends, hopped on a plane and started to heal. That was me putting myself first and that was a pivotal decision that set things off on the right foot.
After that weekend in San Jose, I officially started the grueling process of moving on. In a way, I’m thankful he had the courage to tell me he wasn’t in love with me, because even though it hurt, it left me knowing this was not something to fight for.
I am not going to look back and search for answers I will never get. This is going to hurt. A lot. But I’m moving forward.
During those first few months, newly single, I spent a lot of time with friends and family. You learn a lot about other people during an event like this. There were two girlfriends who said something similar to me, when I was discussing how I was feeling about everything. I was talking about how I felt myself coming to terms with the fact we were not right for each other and that I saw this as an opportunity to grow, an opportunity to do things I had let go during the time we were together, and how on some level, I felt a sense of relief. Somewhere in this conversation, I was interrupted and told very directly and passionately, “Morgan, it’s devastating. He ruined your life!” I was shocked. I took a moment, thought about those words, and then realized I strongly, whole-heartedly disagreed. Then I felt this wave of sadness wash over me, realizing this is how some people feel. This is how some people think I should feel.
…I saw this as an opportunity to grow, an opportunity to do things I had let go during the time we were together…on some level, I felt a sense of relief.
Guess what I’ve done since? Become a full-time Realtor, selling residential real estate – a job I love . I’ve started immersing myself in acting (my passion) – taking classes and going out on auditions. I’m making new friends and taking time for trips to see people who mean a lot to me. I got an adorable dog, dated (and had FUN dating for the first time EVER), chopped my hair off and went platinum blonde (which I had thought about doing for years), signed with one of the best talent agencies in Portland, got cast in my first fully staged production in years, bought a condo, took two trips to New York, spent a lot of time with myself, and became more comfortable with who I am. I have been more fulfilled these past few years, than I have been in a very long time. The confidence gained by taking control of my life has been huge. People tell me I’m a different person, but that’s not really true. What I am is a brighter, fuller version of myself.
Don’t let devastation become the leader in your life. It might get ahead every once in a while, but take a deep breath, feel some pain, and run a little harder. Before you know it, you will take the lead. We all have the power to create the life we want and deserve. Now, I just need to get that tattoo…